Reconnecting to the Internet (Part One)

Here is a hale and hearty FUCK OFF to Earthlink. I understand that I was getting a fuckoff-by-proxy for Earthlink at the Hucklebug, but I wouldn't know because I'm entering the second week without the internet and haven't been able to download the podcasts. It was supposed to come back on Thursday the 19th, but it wasn't. Let's give a readout of why:

1) Apparently, no one has ever moved before on the face of the planet. Sometime in the middle of October, I called Earthlink, telling them I was planning to move into the apartment next door o/a 1 November. I wanted to know what I needed to do to move my phone and internet service, with which I had been very happy and it was cheaper than the biggies.

2) They told me that they don't do moves, so I would have to cancel my service and reorder service in my new location. I also had to contact Verizon specifically (pay attention to that one) to get them to move my phone number 20 feet next door. H'okay.

3) I call Verizon on 28 October. They tell me they can do the switch on 6 November, which is fine, as I was planning to do the move on 7 November.

4) Verizon shows up on time on 6 November, moves the phone number. It turns out the new apartment was wired wrong, and the Verizon guy doesn't put in a new ticket, but rewires my jack on the spot. He leaves and my phone number is transferred to the new apartment. No muss, no fuss.

5) I go back next door -- my DSL and outgoing phone is still working, but now I need that switched. I call Earthlink. They tell me that only now can they put in a disconnect order, and because I'm connecting to the same phone number, they can't even put in a reconnect order until the disconnection clears in 3-5 business days. It takes me about three hours on the phone with Customer Service on the Indian Subcontinent (CSOTIS) to get this information. They disconnect my DSL on the spot, remotely. (So apparently, it can be done)

6) On Tuesday the 10th I spend another hour on the phone with CSOTIS, after which they figure out that the disconnect order hasn't really cleared, and they can't order my new service.

7) Finally, on Wednesday the 11th, the disconnect order clears, and they can put in the order for new service, which takes 7-10 business days. The confirm that DSL is available at my location, which it should be, as I only moved next door. Even when I tell them that I have all the old equipment and it's all hooked up, it turns out there is no way humanly possible to get them to cancel sending me a new modem, for which I will have to call CSOTIC to get a return label after it arrives, and then they'll refund me in 60 days the equipment/hookup charge. Because. as you know, no one has ever moved before.

8) On Monday the 16th, I get an e-mail(? -- why are they contacting me via e-mail?) saying that my DSL will be hooked up on Thursday the 19th. Yay! Progress. The modem also arrives, which I will have to figure out how to return.

9) On Thursday the 19th, I'm taking a sick-day/day off and watching my modem looking for the little light to come on. The phone rings. It's Earthlink CSOTIC, telling me that "well, Verizon gave you a FIOS line and not a copper line, so we can't hook up the DSL. Call Verizon back and make them switch it to copper. We're canceling this order and call us back to place a new order when they do that (and another 7-10 days after that)". I not-very-nicely asked them why the hell they didn't tell me that I had to make sure that Verizon hooked up the copper line, since it IS Verizon, and their shilling for FIOS must even have made it to the Indian Subcontinent. Verizon doesn't ever hook up copper now. I also asked why it took them the full time to realize this, when they confirmed they could provide the DSL, and I had asked them a thousand times what I needed to do.

10) I call back Verizon. Verizon apparently has customer service in the US, actually answers their phones, and seems genuinely friendly. I tell her what I want, and she says they can do that, but had I considered Verizon phone+internet service. I said they were too expensive, and she promptly offered me a deal that was 10 bucks less than Earthlink's bundle. I said I was interested, but wasn't sure if my older computer could take the wiring. We got right on the phone with tech support, and they confirmed they could do it via my ethernet port. However, she notes that "hey, wait a minute, there's a disconnect order on your phone today, so I can't put in that order". Apparently Earthlink can't provide my service, but they can still put in an order to disconnect my phone. The Verizon lady works on the phone with me to stop the disconnect order, and it shows up as stopped but will take an hour to clear. She takes my home and cell numbers and says she'll call me back in an hour when it's done to process the new order.

11) Okay, so one hour is a bit optimistic. I call back three hours later when I haven't heard anything, and they said getting the de-order to stop would take a little longer to clear, but I should hear something by the end of the day or by tomorrow. But at least I got through to a knowledgeable customer service dude within a minute and was off the phone within five. Nothing with CSOTIC ever took less than 50 minutes to complete. And about five minutes after I hung up with that customer rep, the original customer rep called back to say that she had been checking to see if it had cleared every half hour, and it hadn't. She said she'd keep trying until she left, and if not would call me tomorrow.

Even though I'm somewhat portraying Verizon as the good guys here, this entire situation is based on the reason why I fundamentally hate them -- FIOS. They install this thing everywhere, turn off or remove your copper lines, making it fundamentally impossible to get service from anyone else. It's a monopoly disguised as a competition in the free-market, because at the end of the day, the local phone company still owns the physical line into your wall, even if you have other providers. You are at their mercy.

However, here's the golden rules for customer service:

1) Allow people to talk to a human who is clearly understandable, quickly.
2) Appear pleasant, knowledgeable and sympathetic
3) Follow through quickly.

You will make a sale.

Let's see if Verizon can close the deal.

More to follow. Pray for me.