How NOT To Panic

Here's why everyone needs to step back and take a breath. For a long time, I have one little patch on my outer left thigh that itches when I'm in the shower. I have examined it a million times to see if it's red, raised, bumpy, warm, etc. Nothing, nada, zip. Just itchy when showering. So tonight I'm in the shower and I notice that in the same place there's kind of a ridge/depression there. I don't really have the vocabulary for it, as any word I can come up with it really isn't it -- it's not a lump, hard ridge, etc. The best way to describe it is "if you were really in shape and a body builder, it's what a six-pack muscle definition line would look like, but only if it's imposed over cellulite". So I finally start to worry just a little bit. Now there's a fixed depression on my leg, in the same spot that always itches. I was wondering that if I was inclined to see a doctor, what kind should I see? It really doesn't seem to be a dermatological thing, as there's nothing on the surface, and no fixed lump under the surface. There's no real organ right there, and this isn't part of the bone. It could be a lump of nerves, so a neurologist, but I don't think so. Who looks at the portion of your body beneath the skin but not connected to anything vital or part of any other system?

So I come to my computer and sit down to go to the hypochondriac's best friend/worst enemy -- Google. You can diagnose yourself with any kind of cancer that way. I joke with the Boy's father -- he is a survivor of a nasty skin cancer (about 20+ years, so he's considered now in the same boat for recurrence as someone who never had cancer), so his pet fear with cancer -- every ailment he's got is some kind of cancer. He threw his back out recently, so I always solicitously ask him about how his back cancer is going. Every headache is brain cancer, etc. Well I sit down and unconsciously put my leg up on the desk against the chair to get comfortable, like I always do. As I'm Googling "does cellulite itch?", I suddenly realize that my leg is hard pressed against the hard wooden arm of the chair in that exact spot. The ridge is very similar to the ridge I get on the back of my calves when I keep my legs propped up on my iron coffee table. I had been surfing right before my shower. I immediately close out the Google browser -- problem solved. I'm not entirely sure that's why that spot always itches, but I'm thinking it's not leg cancer any more.

Of course, the ironic addendum to this blog will be in about two years when I die of some freak kind of cellulite cancer or something. But I'm not counting on it.