Dating Tips for 21st Century Girls
The fact that I'm writing this blog shows how messed up the situation is. I can definitively state that I am in no position handing out dating advice to anyone. But today some of the puppies at work were having a discussion. (I love them dearly, but I often look at our youngest hires like a bunch of puppies. They're still unsteady on their feet and I swear their paws are too big). One of the women had that somewhat icky situation of being asked out over e-mail. Not by someone in our office or our organization, but someone who came by our office to meet with our team. He sent a very nice thank you note, and at the end of it asked "and would you like to go out for a drink sometime?"
Now, this is kind of a yucky situation, but on the other hand, as long as the guy takes no for an answer, it's not the most hideous -- how else do we meet people nowadays. So we started going through the question drill. "Do you want to go out with him?" "I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know". "Did he seem psycho or of the type that you know you wouldn't really want to date ever". "No, I don't think you can know that soon". "Okay, sounds like it fits the one date rule -- you go meet him somewhere neutral with a fixed time frame. If you don't get any vibe at that point, you refuse any further dates".
So then it got to the issue of when/where, and this is where I was astounded. These women date way more than I do, but they didn't seem to know the basics. So here they are:
1) Coffee daytime, drink weekday. This one they seemed fairly in clue with, but for some reason they hadn't equated weekday drink with 'self limiting'. It's a school night. You meet somewhere public, and after a bit, especially if it's not going well, you excuse yourself and say you have a meeting in the morning.
2) If it's not self-limiting, you make a limit. If you wind up with weekend coffee, you always have a party/softball game/shopping appointment two hours later. If the date is going swimmingly, these commitments will magically disappear, but it's an out for a mediocre or worse date. Yes, the boys know this trick, but if they're at all human, they get it and the reason why.
3) Hand out your e-mail, not your cell phone. If they guy is aggressive or annoying, changing cell-numbers is a pain in the neck, and turning off your cell means you miss talking to the people you want to talk to. Until you're sure, communicate by e-mail, as you can respond when you're ready, or not respond.
4) Have more than one e-mail account. This was the one that got me. These people live with one e-mail account. With the kinds of accounts you can get for free, or with the number of mailboxes ISPs tend to give, there's no reason to have just one. One is your personal business/lifelong friends account. This is the one you want to keep for a long time, so people can find you who you want to find you. One is your website registration/online shopping address. Let all the bastards spam away. The third one is your dating/I'm not sure about letting people know all about me account. This is the one that you use for people you're not sure you want to be connected to forever. This one should not have your name in it anywhere, but something else, so if the person later turns out to be nuts, they can't get that much off of you.
Is it a little sad that we have to live this way? I suppose. But there are enough crazies out there, that everyone, but women in particular have to undertake some safety measures. If the date works out over time, he gets the cell-phone, personal e-mail, address and non-time limited date. But here's how you get past the first one.
The fact that I'm writing this blog shows how messed up the situation is. I can definitively state that I am in no position handing out dating advice to anyone. But today some of the puppies at work were having a discussion. (I love them dearly, but I often look at our youngest hires like a bunch of puppies. They're still unsteady on their feet and I swear their paws are too big). One of the women had that somewhat icky situation of being asked out over e-mail. Not by someone in our office or our organization, but someone who came by our office to meet with our team. He sent a very nice thank you note, and at the end of it asked "and would you like to go out for a drink sometime?"
Now, this is kind of a yucky situation, but on the other hand, as long as the guy takes no for an answer, it's not the most hideous -- how else do we meet people nowadays. So we started going through the question drill. "Do you want to go out with him?" "I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know". "Did he seem psycho or of the type that you know you wouldn't really want to date ever". "No, I don't think you can know that soon". "Okay, sounds like it fits the one date rule -- you go meet him somewhere neutral with a fixed time frame. If you don't get any vibe at that point, you refuse any further dates".
So then it got to the issue of when/where, and this is where I was astounded. These women date way more than I do, but they didn't seem to know the basics. So here they are:
1) Coffee daytime, drink weekday. This one they seemed fairly in clue with, but for some reason they hadn't equated weekday drink with 'self limiting'. It's a school night. You meet somewhere public, and after a bit, especially if it's not going well, you excuse yourself and say you have a meeting in the morning.
2) If it's not self-limiting, you make a limit. If you wind up with weekend coffee, you always have a party/softball game/shopping appointment two hours later. If the date is going swimmingly, these commitments will magically disappear, but it's an out for a mediocre or worse date. Yes, the boys know this trick, but if they're at all human, they get it and the reason why.
3) Hand out your e-mail, not your cell phone. If they guy is aggressive or annoying, changing cell-numbers is a pain in the neck, and turning off your cell means you miss talking to the people you want to talk to. Until you're sure, communicate by e-mail, as you can respond when you're ready, or not respond.
4) Have more than one e-mail account. This was the one that got me. These people live with one e-mail account. With the kinds of accounts you can get for free, or with the number of mailboxes ISPs tend to give, there's no reason to have just one. One is your personal business/lifelong friends account. This is the one you want to keep for a long time, so people can find you who you want to find you. One is your website registration/online shopping address. Let all the bastards spam away. The third one is your dating/I'm not sure about letting people know all about me account. This is the one that you use for people you're not sure you want to be connected to forever. This one should not have your name in it anywhere, but something else, so if the person later turns out to be nuts, they can't get that much off of you.
Is it a little sad that we have to live this way? I suppose. But there are enough crazies out there, that everyone, but women in particular have to undertake some safety measures. If the date works out over time, he gets the cell-phone, personal e-mail, address and non-time limited date. But here's how you get past the first one.
posted by Lily @ Tuesday, October 02, 2007
1 Comments:
At 1:06 PM ,
Duke said...
This is good advice for men as well. We have the same problems with nutcases and women who won't take a hint.
There are a couple of other options you might want to consider. Virtually all the internet based phone services like Vonage have some neat features. One is called a "Virtual Number". You create these on the fly and hand out to friends. They ring your normal cell phone and appear as a local number to the caller. You can cancel them at any time. Make up a couple, hand them out to potential dates, and if he's a creep you cancel it.
Most also allow you to add a second line at little cost with its own number but can ring your cell. Here again you can easily cancel it and protect your real phone number.
My ISP allows mail boxes on the fly as well. I can set one up in a few seconds and cancel it faster. I often do it for a single online purchase to track it easily.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home